NOTE: This has been the hardest post to write and publish because of how vulnerable I am here. I am being fully transparent even with my flaws to in hopes one day help someone who’s struggling mentally where I have before. I am not a doctor or therapist, I only share the tips, tricks and advice that has helped me from friends, family, my psychiatrist and the research I have done myself. #adhd #cptsd
This case. This pelican case is the holder of my prized possessions. My photography gear. My canon I’ve had from the beginning.
Now, this case is just one piece, yet ever so vital, that threw me into a complete spiral over 10 days with the absolute worst timing.
I was hormonal, yea thanks Mother Nature, hadn’t slept in two days making sure I had EVERYTHING for this 11 day RV trip to the Hammers and there was so much change and unexpectedness. Also I must add, this is my absolute by far most favorite race of the entire year! To say I was nervous or was having anxiety would be an understatement.
We picked up the RV and I drove it behind the caravan of our group. However, driving in SoCal terrifies me enough as is but now I was driving this monstrosity during rush hour. I am absolutely petrified to get lost on roads I don’t know especially when it’s in locations I don’t know, ie. Anywhere outside of Utah lol. Now during the chaos of California traffic on a Friday a handful of cars zipped between shaun and I and I began panicking that I would miss an exit, get lost, and ultimately die. Oh have i mentioned how dramatic and unreasonable my anxiety is yet?
Now after getting aggressive to Shaun about losing me like I’m some toddler lost in a toy store and taking my emotions out on him which I absolutely know is the worst and it’s something that is being addressed and worked on.
I’m not perfect. Let’s be honest, I struggle writing this because it’s real and vulnerable.
We finally arrived to the Lakebed and I was thrilled!! Last year was so much fun with Speed Sport that I was so hopeful that this would be another one for the best memories I hold dear. It was dark when we arrived so we u loaded the best we could and hit the sack for a few hours of much needed sleep.
If you’re still here and wondering wtf is the matter with this pelican case, that’s where the next day begins. The desert race. We woke up, got ready, jumped in the rzr and got on course. When I looked into the back of the rzr, my pelican case was no where to be found. The sheer utter shock and disappointment in myself for not double checking that. Of all things. THAT! I broke down crying. I was so upset that I had let myself down. My hopes had been so high about finally coming back to photography after taking a mental hiatus last year that when I noticed my mistake, I was a mess. My soul was crushed. Also add here my overly dramatic anxiety when things don’t go according to plan… I snapped at shaun blaming him since he was loading our stuff into the truck from the house. Again. Yes. I’m a work in progress.
I sat in the sand just dumbfounded not even knowing what to do next.. how had I been so dumb? Looking back I know the lack of sleep, stress, anxiety, on top of my never fleeting adhd, it made perfect sense how it happened. But it still sucked. I felt as if I couldn’t use another camera. Or my Lumix for video. I was just at 0. I didn’t know how to recover from that. I still looking back don’t know how i could have in the moment recovered positively and turned the day around. I shut down after that. Nothing else mattered. Everything sucked. I sucked. I was useless. Good riddance, I thought. Now the boys have a definite reason to kick me off the team. With these stories my mind would play out in my head, I got worse and worse with time.
This is honestly the first time I will be point blank telling the world or even just my friends and family about the things my mind will do that are not so happy or even good for that matter. It can get rather dark if left unattended without comfort or compassion. And oh Lordy did I go there.
Add into all of this, I wasn’t needed or even scheduled into working with Speed Sport or AOE, MAO or Ultra4 like I had been promised to me when I committed to returning. That change crushed me again. I began to spiral out of control at this point, ultimately just hurting and confused on why.
I spent most of the next week in a negative miserable mindset that hurled rude comments, negative opinions and a give up fuck it mentality. I hid in the RV for most of the trip ashamed of myself and how I have so much further to go with my mental journey than I originally thought. By day 10 I was feeling a little better since Ultra4 had an open bar every night which allowed me to break the mental restrictions I was housed in. With only two side by sides and more people than seats, I opted to stay back and run the show from the RV like we do during the Baja 500 when I’m at home and only shaun and Dave attend.
It helped a lot! I was able to set up two separate interviews we needed through Instagram and scheduled a timeframe that worked for everyone. It made me feel like I was needed and necessary finally. But I somehow didn’t hear, or overlooked and didn’t write down Shaun’s instructions to post a web story that day. Not just write it! Yup. I messed up. It was my fault. My mistake. Here’s where the RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) kicks in HARD. Yes shaun was disappointed but walked in and said “ok lets work on it now together” my brain translated that to “wow seriously? You’re so lazy you can’t even do that? Did you pay attention? Why are you here? Can you do anything right?”
Two totally different things huh? Mental health is weird. Anyhow, because I was in the dumps on my own accord for a mistake I made, I argued with shaun over anything and everything being upset, mad, sad, rude and all the above. Now he dishes it back when it’s been too much to bear with his short patience but I mean two years he’s been dealing with this with me. I’m no peach y’all.
Because of all of this, I SAT IN THE RV PACKING DURING THE KINGS RACE! How stupid right?! Yup I know. But I was sulking and hard!
After coming home and seeing that pelican case sitting in our kitchen looking ready to go on its next adventure made me realize how insane it was that my mind unraveled so easily over these altercations to my envisioned plan. And how much work I still have to do but realizing I am doing this, sabotaging myself over mistakes, is the first step.
I wanted to write this all out because my sad little butt hurt mind was repeating “my favorite race, ruined, worst trip ever” as we were coming in the house. I wanted to allow myself to be vulnerable and misunderstood in hopes one person knows they’re not alone in feeling this or living with mental illnesses.
I love you. Keep working on you. You’ve got this. 💚
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